Twenty miles. My hips tightened up around mile 15. My nutrition was never quite right. By mile 17 I couldn't find a pace that wasn't a minute slower than what I've been walking for months. A toe, which had been fine when I left my house, somehow ended up gashed and bleeding. But I finished the longest walk of my training cycle. I was somewhat single-minded in my focus to finish. I could see the bus stop I wanted to reach. I could see the school next to it, and the restaurant across the street. And even though everything hurt (and was cold, and a little wet), I knew I'd get there.
The grieving process is a funny thing: raging emotions; distractability; forgetfulness; and a general feeling of sluggishness and apathy can all accompany the process. And, as a slow process, I can sit in the middle of it and see that I'm a bit (or a lot) off balance, but no matter how impatient I get, or how hard I try to regain my balance, I just have to wait it out.
I've thought a lot about that this year. Regaining my balance. The clearing of the brain fog. The return of my ability to focus. I really wasn't sure I'd ever get back to a place that felt right. And many days I know I'm not there yet.
And then I look at all I've accomplished this year: emptying my parents' house; training for a marathon; going back to school; making pretty great strides towards a career transition (and if you know anybody at this company, can we have a chat next week?). All those things have required an immense amount of hard work and intense focus. Yes, I've had some mis-steps. Yes, I've fallen down (both literally and figuratively), and things haven't always turned out the way I hoped. But I'm moving forward. After a few years of feeling trapped on a hamster wheel, watching the rest of the world pass by while I stayed stuck in place, I am so very happy with all I've accomplished this year.
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I totally get what you're saying about the grieving process. We're grieving completely different things, yours probably much more intense than mine, but as I've realized very recently your heart does open up again and the world does look bright and inviting again. Not everyday all the time but more and more as the days, weeks, months, and eventually years go by so eventually you can look back fondly at the memories instead of in anger, frustration, and/or sadness. Completely different situations so I don't know if my experience can apply to yours, but maybe it's helpful to know someone else on the more downhill part of the grief mountain, or at least the flat part?
ReplyDeleteIf you happen to come east over St. Patty's day Scythian is going to be playing in DC March 17! :)
You're right, it's a similar process, and thanks. It is very helpful to know somebody else is going through the same thing. I'm really glad that things are going better for you.
ReplyDeleteScythian on St. Paddy's Day is intriguing. I could make it an east coast tour and see the Saw Doctors in NY while I'm there.